Freak Show

I was bored out of my mind for most of the Homerun Derby, checking email, reading a few stories online - until it was Josh Hamilton's turn to hit. When Hamilton, all 6-4, 235 pounds of lean muscle, golden locks and drug-induced tattoos, stepped up to the plate, I stopped what I was doing and hoped for a show. What followed was the greatest display of power I have ever seen. At one point he hit 13 consecutive bombs, finishing the first round with a mind-boggling 28 homers. And it wasn't the record-setting number of homeruns Hamilton hit that really impressed me, it was the unimaginable distance each ball traveled that captivated my mind until I was screaming "Get the fuck outta here.....no fucking way," as baseball after baseball rocketed into the clear night air at Yankee Stadium.

I immediately called my brother Paulie after witnessing Hamilton's breathtaking homerun binge.

"Did you fucking see that!? Un-fucking-believable."

"I know," Paulie replied. "This is what they are going to play in his ESPN special when he overdoses on heroin. Put that in your fucking blog."

Indeed.

Keep this in mind - prior to Hamilton's freak show, only five balls have ever traveled over 500 feet in the 19-year history of the Homerun Derby. Hamilton hit three 500-foot bombs in a single round, including a blast of 518 feet that almost cleared Yankee Stadium. The way balls exploded and soared high and deep off Hamilton's bat, it looked as if he was hitting golf balls, not baseballs. Unreal.

Sure Justin Morneau was technically the Homerun Derby winner because Josh Hamilton and his 71-year old pitching machine tired by the third round, but that doesn't matter. I always thought Mark McGwire put on the greatest show of sheer power in the 1999 Homerun Derby at Fenway Park, but I no longer feel that way. Hamilton gave Yankee Stadium a fitting farewell that millions of fans will never forget. I know I won't.

Going Deep

I’ll ignore how ridiculous it is that Corey Fucking Hart is going to the All-Star game over Pat Burrell because all of the fat people (i.e. - everyone) in Wisconsin voted 1,000 times for him while watching farm-animal porn and eating Doritos off their stained T-shirts, and instead decompress by previewing today’s MLB Homerun Derby (8:00 pm EST on ESPN) featuring everyone’s favorite All-Star second baseman, Chase Utley. Here is “Chutleys” competition, with each candidate’s Las Vegas odds (as of Monday morning, June 14) noted next their names –

THE VEGAS FAVORITE
Lance Berkman, 22 homeruns in 2008 (3-1 Odds)

PROS: Berkman can really hit the crap out of the ball and is probably the best overall hitter in this year’s Homerun Derby, raking .347 / .443 / .653 numbers entering the break.

CONS: No way to say this nicely, but Berkman is fat. I mean he looks totally out of shape. He’s a good bet to make the finals, but I don’t think he can last as long as the others.

THE NATURAL & MY FAVORITE
Josh Hamilton, 21 homeruns in 2008 (7-2 Odds)

PROS: Hamilton is truly “The Natural.” After overcoming 3 ½ years of baseball exile because of an extensive cocaine/heroin/alcohol/stripper/speed/ecstasy addiction, Hamilton is wowing scouts and fans alike with his remarkable display of speed, power and athleticism. Hamilton is the most-likely candidate to hit a ball 550 feet and he enters the All-Star break hitting at a .310 / .367 / .552 clip.

CONS: Hamilton is having a 71-year old former baseball coach from his hometown pitch to him in the derby. I’m sure they have chemistry, but would you trust a 71-year old dude to withstand the pressure of throwing on the mound in a sold out Yankee Stadium? Me neither.

THE UNDERDOG
Justin Morneau, 14 homeruns in 2008 (9-2 Odds)

PROS: With a compact power stroke reminiscent of Mark McGwire, Morneau can hit the ball a country mile. Plus, he’s a legitimately great HITTER, posting .323 / .391 / .512 numbers at the break. If he gets in a groove, watch out, he could win the damn thing.

CONS: Morneau is Canadian and his head might flap off at a moments notice (/South Park reference).

THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP
Chase Utley, 25 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)

PROS: Utley has a compact stroke with few hitches that could lead to a ton of homeruns if he gets on a roll. Before Ryan Howard decided to hit like Ryan Howard, Utley was MLB’s homerun leader.

CONS: Chase is really more of a line drive hitter that hits for power because his hands are ridiculously fast and he can turn on any pitch. The Homerun Derby might be a little out of his element.

THE ATHLETE
Grady Sizemore, 23 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)

PROS: The AL homerun leader, Sizemore is a phenomenal talent, patrolling centerfield for the Tribe like a wide receiver and hitting .273 / .374 / .539 from the leadoff spot. A former Washington University football recruit, I wouldn’t put any athletic accomplishment out of Grady’s reach.

CONS: Sizemore could hit 15 homeruns in a round or he could pull a Mike Piazza and post a goose egg. Consistency isn’t his forte and that doesn’t bode well in the Homerun Derby.

THE MUSCLE
Dan Uggla, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)

PROS: Uggla swings with every fiber in his muscular-body. I mean he goes all-out on every cut, in every game. His swing is tailor-made for batting practice.

CONS: If Uggla swings that hard in a real game, what will his swing look like in the Derby? Will he be out of control? Will he burst out in an uncontrollable Roid Rage (it’s so obvious)? Only time will tell.

THE SWING
Ryan Braun, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)

PROS: Milwakee’s finest has a huge uppercut swing that is perfect for the Derby if he can get in a groove. Braun has serious power and will hit some bombs at this event. He’s a legit threat to take home the trophy.

CONS: Braun has a long swing and if his timing is off, he will lay an egg in this competition. Plus he’s from Milwakee and everyone in Milwakee can go fuck themselves.

THE ROOKIE
Evan Longoria, 16 homeruns in 2008 (9-1 Odds)

PROS: Longoria is the sure-fire AL Rookie of the Year, and the best young third baseman in the game. He has a pure power stroke and is a selective hitter, which will help him in the Derby.

CONS: Lack of experience. I just don’t think Longoria stands a chance in this field.

VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL

In a clear act of vengeance for losing to the Phillies in the 1980 World Series when he was a 22-year old underperforming, alcoholic, coked up outfielder for the Kansas City Royals, National League All-Star manager Clint Hurdle has left Pat Burrell off the NL All-Star Roster. Major League Baseball has recognized this great injustice, and have named Pat Burrell as one of five “2008 All-Star Game Final Vote” NL candidates.

Here’s how it works: starting today, Pat Burrell is one of five candidates fans can choose from for the final roster spot on the NL All-Star squad. The 2008 All-Star Game Final Vote ends at 5:00pm EST on Thursday, July 10. You can vote as many times as you want here.

It is inconceivable that “Pat the Bat” has been left out of this year’s All-Star Game. In an act of predictable stupidity, the fans voted Alfonso Soriano, Ryan Braun and Kosuke Fukudome as NL starting outfielders. Fukudome is a joke. Other than having a fun last name that your hot-but-stupid girlfriend would like, he is hitting .287 / .391 / .420 with 7 homeruns (seven!!!!) and 35 RBI. His OPS+ is only 112, or 12% above league average. Soriano has been hurt all year, and while he has respectable numbers, he has only played in 51 of 89 games. If there is a God, Soriano will opt out of the All-Star Game and Hurdle will name Pat Burrell as his replacement, but I’m not counting on it. Braun is acceptable. His .323 on-base percentage is low, but he has 21 homeruns and 46 extra-base hits. At least the corpse formally known as Ken Griffey Jr. isn’t playing.

I can accept that the common Joe and Jane fan are idiots, but I have a real problem with the outfielders chosen by the “Players Ballot” and NL skipper Clint Hurdle. National League outfielders named to the All-Star Game as a result of Player Balloting include Matt Holliday of the Colorado Rockies, Nate McLouth of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Ryan Ludwick of the St. Louis Cardinals. Holliday is hitting .343 / .424 / .566, but he has clearly benefited from Coors Field, flashing a 1079 OPS at home compared to 873 on the road. McLouth (.280 / .359 / .518) is having a career-year, and someone from the Pirates needs to be selected, but he’s not even the best player in his own outfield. Jason Bay (.285 / .389 / .526) should be in his place. Ludwick (.290 / .367 / .577) is the biggest joke of all. A career “4-A Player,” he has parlayed two hot months into an All-Star selection.

Hurdle had seven slots to use on the rest of the N.L. roster. Instead of picking Pat Burrell (remember, he needs the extra hitters because he must play with a DH at Yankee Stadium), he chose four pitchers (Aaron Cook, Dan Haren, Billy Wagner and Carlos Zambrano) and zero outfielders. With the remaining three roster spots, Hurdle selected a third catcher (Brian McCann of the Atlanta Braves), a token Washington National (shortstop Cristian Guzman), and All-Star worthy first baseman Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals).

Pat Burrell BELONGS in this All-Star game. His 994 OPS and 152 OPS+ lead all NL outfielders. His 66 walks are second in the NL and he ranks in the top-seven in homeruns (21), on-base percentage (.412) and slugging percentage (.582). Rectify this great injustice and VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL as many times as you can. Vote 100 times, take an hour break and then vote some more.

Look, voting for Pat Burrell is more than just recognizing an overlooked talent that has been cheered, forsaken and reaccepted by his hometown fans. It’s about having a certain belief in yourself. A belief that if you work hard and grind it out through the tough times, good things will happen…….If you believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days, then for God’s sake, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL.

Deadspin, The Balls & Dick Jokes........What Are You Doing At Work?

A big thanks to Deadspin, the unequivocal leader in sports blogs, dick jokes and the primary cause of America's decline in work-related production, for sending me an invite to comment on their supernova of a site. In addition to being the best written sports site out there, Deadspin has quite a few Philadelphia ties. Their new editor is longtime contributer AJ "The Balls" Daulerio, a native Philadelphian who is destined to bring the porn stash back into mainstream culture.

I'll do my best to be as funny, witty and offensive as possible when commenting on Deadspin. You can keep track of all comments posted by "IOwnLotsOfTylerGreenRookieCards" here.

Phillies First-Half Review

I grew up in Allentown, PA and after every Phillies and Eagles game, the shitty Allentown Morning Call would “grade” each aspect of the game. I have no idea why this stupid, arbitrary evaluation fascinated me, but I would rush to grab the sports section before my dad used it as bathroom reading material so I could pour over each grade and approve/disapprove. Anyway, not a lot has changed mentally since I was 10, so I’ve graded each aspect of the Phillies for the team’s first 81 games. At the mid-point of 2008, the Phillies have a 43-38 record and a one-game lead in the NL East. Not bad, but their run-differential says the Phils should have at least 46 wins, so they have underperformed, without question.

In this review there will be some funny numbers like RAA and WARP. Read the links for an in-depth explanation, but basically RAA is “Runs Above Average,” a way to measure a player’s defensive value, and WARP is “Wins Above Replacement Player,” or the number of wins a player is worth compared to a mediocre MLB player. WARP takes hitting, fielding, running and pitching into consideration when evaluating a player, so I feel it’s the best way to express a player’s worth. Below, I have included batting average, on base percentage and slugging percentage statistics for hitters, and win-loss records and earned run average for pitchers. Without further adieu, here is my Phillies 2008 First-Half Review:

CATCHER: - GRADE: C +

Carlos Ruiz, 0.5 WARP (.219 / .305 / .296) & Chris Coste, 2.3 WARP (.313 / .372 / .545)

Why is Carlos Ruiz the starting catcher again? Is it because his hitting is mediocre, or because he isn’t as good defensively as Coste? Not only is Coste almost lapping Ruiz in OPS (917 – 601), but he also leads in RAA (1 - 0), caught stealing percentage (29.4 – 25.5) and the staff universally prefers throwing to him. Wake up Charlie.

FIRST BASE - GRADE: D

Ryan Howard, 1.6 WARP (.214 / .309 / .454)

Not to beat a dead horse, but Howard is having a terrible season. Two years ago, he posted a 9.1 WARP en route to winning the MVP Award in his first full season. Last season he stumbled a bit, but he still clubbed 47 homeruns and 136 RBI. This year, Howard is on pace to shatter his own record of strikeouts in a season (199) and he has just a 95 OPS+, meaning his OPS is 5% worse than the league average. That being said, Howard could go off for 30 homeruns in the second half and no one will remember his poor start.

SECOND BASE - GRADE: A+

Chase Utley, 6.4 WARP (.293 / .382 / .595)

Even with his late-June swoon, Utley is having an MVP-caliber season. His 22 homeruns trail league-leader Dan Uggla by just one, and he is playing stellar defense, as evidenced by his +7 RAA. Chutley also leads the league in number of times hit by a pitch (11), a talent that cost him 30 games last season when an errand pitch broke his hand. We all know you are a tough, scrappy guy Chase, but GET OUT DA WAY!!!

SHORTSTOP - GRADE: C

Jimmy Rollins, 1.9 WARP (.265 / .329 / .426)

It seems like J-Roll has been snake-bitten this year with his early-season injury and all, but the fact is he isn’t producing like an MVP. His defensive statistics are slightly below average (-2 RAA) and his 755 OPS is 120 points lower than last year. On a positive note, Jimmy is flat-out unconscious on the base paths this year, stealing 17 bases in 17 attempts.

THIRD BASE - GRADE: B-

Pedro Feliz, 2.3 WARP (.264 / .316 / .430)

Not since the days of Scott Rolen have Phillies fans been treated to the defensive excellence Pedro displays at the hot corner on a daily basis. His +8 RAA leads the Phillies and if there is any justice in the world, Pedro will win a Gold Glove Award this year. He’s on pace for 20 homeruns and 80 RBI, but I could really care less what he does at the plate after watching Greg Dobbs and Abraham Nunez butcher third base last season.

LEFT FIELD - GRADE: A-

Pat Burrell, 4.4 WARP (.273 / .411 / .581)

Now, some may say I have an unhealthy man-crush on Pat The Bat, but he is unequivocally in the midst of one of the best seasons of his career. His projected 8.8 WARP would be the second-highest of his career and his defense in left field has improved dramatically. Last season, Pat’s -18 RAA in left field was the worst in baseball. This season, he has 0 errors and 6 assists. His lack of range gives him a 0 RAA, but I will take league-average defense from Burrell eight days a week.

CENTER FIELD - GRADE: C

Shane Victorino, 2.2 WARP (.276 / .350 / .377)

I may be in the minority on this one, but PLEASE trade Shane for some front-line starting pitching this season. The Flying Hawaiian’s defense is overrated in center (0 RAA as opposed to +11 RAA in right field last year) and he doesn’t hit or get on base enough to have a real impact on offense. I’d love to parlay his defensive reputation and base running exploits into a deal for Rich Harden.

RIGHT FIELD - GRADE: C+

Jason Werth, 2.6 WARP (.262 / .350 / .494) & Geoff Jenkins, 0.7 WARP (.239 / .289 / .378)

I don’t know if Charlie is dumb enough to keep playing Jenkins, or if it’s mandated by the front office because they forked over a stupid contract to a hitter with declining power and no idea of the strike zone, but Jason Werth should be playing every day. Werth is a better hitter, fielder (+4 RAA) and athlete (8 stolen bases in 9 attempts). I don’t even know what to say about Jenkins’ .289 OBP……..it’s inexcusable he is playing at all.

STARTING PITCHING - GRADE: C-

Cole Hamels, 4.1 WARP (7-5 / 3.27), Brett Myers, 0.4 WARP (3-9 / 5.84), Jamie Moyer, 2.3 WARP (7-5 / 4.09), Kyle Kendrick, 0.8 WARP (7-3 / 4.59), Adam Eaton, 1.4 WARP (2-6 / 4.86)

Other than Hamels, this group is awful. Don’t get me started on the “Jamie Moyer and Kyle Kendrick are having good years” argument. Finesse pitches are more likely to get bombed in the playoffs. If you don’t agree with me, go check out the post-season statistics of Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine sometime, then check Curt Schilling and John Smoltz’s post-season numbers and get back to me. Just one more reason the Phils HAVE to make a push for C.C Sabathia or Rich Harden before the trading deadline. Hamels is a stud, Myers needs to go back to the pen, and the Phils need to package some pitching prospects and a starting outfielder for a top-tier pitcher to complement their talented lefty.

RELIEF PITCHING - GRADE: B+

Brad Lidge, 3.2 WARP (1-0 / 0.87), J.C. Romero, 2.2 WARP (4-1 / 1.74), Ryan Madson, 1.1 WARP (1-0 / 2.90), Chad Durbin, 1.8 WARP (2-1 / 1.47), Tom Gordon, 0.6 WARP (5-4 / 5.20), Clay Condrey, 0.6 WARP (1-1 / 4.36), Rudy Seanez, 1.6 WARP (3-3 / 2.45)

Other than the predictable meltdown of Tom Gordon, the Phillies pen has been the most consistent and reliable aspect of the team. Lidge has been perfect this season. I can’t stress the importance of having the lead in the 9^th inning and KNOWING the game is over. It’s probably the best move GM Ed Wade has ever made for the Phillies. Wait, he’s not our GM anymore? Wait, Wade traded the best closer in either league to the Phils for Michael Bourn and a couple of prospects who can’t cut it in Triple A? Payback is a bitch.

OVERALL - GRADE: B-

The Phillies' talent level is closer to that of a 96-win team than an 86-win team, their current projection, so it's hard to give them resounding praise even if they are in first place. Chase Utley, Pat Burrell, Cole Hamels and Brad Lidge are all having legit All-Star season's, which offsets the disappointing years Brett Myers and Ryan Howard are having. No one thought the bullpen would be this good, which is a pleasant surprise, but the need for another front line starting pitcher, the kind of pitcher Brett Myers was supposed to be, is evident. I don't know if the Phils have the kind of prospects in the minors it would take to land a marque pitcher, but if the Phillies want to make a push for the World Series, they should mortgage the farm to do it. This team has a ton of talent, and one more key player and a second-half rebound from Jimmy Rollins or Ryan Howard could put them over the top.