VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL

In a clear act of vengeance for losing to the Phillies in the 1980 World Series when he was a 22-year old underperforming, alcoholic, coked up outfielder for the Kansas City Royals, National League All-Star manager Clint Hurdle has left Pat Burrell off the NL All-Star Roster. Major League Baseball has recognized this great injustice, and have named Pat Burrell as one of five “2008 All-Star Game Final Vote” NL candidates.

Here’s how it works: starting today, Pat Burrell is one of five candidates fans can choose from for the final roster spot on the NL All-Star squad. The 2008 All-Star Game Final Vote ends at 5:00pm EST on Thursday, July 10. You can vote as many times as you want here.

It is inconceivable that “Pat the Bat” has been left out of this year’s All-Star Game. In an act of predictable stupidity, the fans voted Alfonso Soriano, Ryan Braun and Kosuke Fukudome as NL starting outfielders. Fukudome is a joke. Other than having a fun last name that your hot-but-stupid girlfriend would like, he is hitting .287 / .391 / .420 with 7 homeruns (seven!!!!) and 35 RBI. His OPS+ is only 112, or 12% above league average. Soriano has been hurt all year, and while he has respectable numbers, he has only played in 51 of 89 games. If there is a God, Soriano will opt out of the All-Star Game and Hurdle will name Pat Burrell as his replacement, but I’m not counting on it. Braun is acceptable. His .323 on-base percentage is low, but he has 21 homeruns and 46 extra-base hits. At least the corpse formally known as Ken Griffey Jr. isn’t playing.

I can accept that the common Joe and Jane fan are idiots, but I have a real problem with the outfielders chosen by the “Players Ballot” and NL skipper Clint Hurdle. National League outfielders named to the All-Star Game as a result of Player Balloting include Matt Holliday of the Colorado Rockies, Nate McLouth of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Ryan Ludwick of the St. Louis Cardinals. Holliday is hitting .343 / .424 / .566, but he has clearly benefited from Coors Field, flashing a 1079 OPS at home compared to 873 on the road. McLouth (.280 / .359 / .518) is having a career-year, and someone from the Pirates needs to be selected, but he’s not even the best player in his own outfield. Jason Bay (.285 / .389 / .526) should be in his place. Ludwick (.290 / .367 / .577) is the biggest joke of all. A career “4-A Player,” he has parlayed two hot months into an All-Star selection.

Hurdle had seven slots to use on the rest of the N.L. roster. Instead of picking Pat Burrell (remember, he needs the extra hitters because he must play with a DH at Yankee Stadium), he chose four pitchers (Aaron Cook, Dan Haren, Billy Wagner and Carlos Zambrano) and zero outfielders. With the remaining three roster spots, Hurdle selected a third catcher (Brian McCann of the Atlanta Braves), a token Washington National (shortstop Cristian Guzman), and All-Star worthy first baseman Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals).

Pat Burrell BELONGS in this All-Star game. His 994 OPS and 152 OPS+ lead all NL outfielders. His 66 walks are second in the NL and he ranks in the top-seven in homeruns (21), on-base percentage (.412) and slugging percentage (.582). Rectify this great injustice and VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL as many times as you can. Vote 100 times, take an hour break and then vote some more.

Look, voting for Pat Burrell is more than just recognizing an overlooked talent that has been cheered, forsaken and reaccepted by his hometown fans. It’s about having a certain belief in yourself. A belief that if you work hard and grind it out through the tough times, good things will happen…….If you believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL. If you believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days, then for God’s sake, VOTE FOR PAT BURRELL.