I’ll ignore how ridiculous it is that Corey Fucking Hart is going to the All-Star game over Pat Burrell because all of the fat people (i.e. - everyone) in Wisconsin voted 1,000 times for him while watching farm-animal porn and eating Doritos off their stained T-shirts, and instead decompress by previewing today’s MLB Homerun Derby (8:00 pm EST on ESPN) featuring everyone’s favorite All-Star second baseman, Chase Utley. Here is “Chutleys” competition, with each candidate’s Las Vegas odds (as of Monday morning, June 14) noted next their names –
THE VEGAS FAVORITE
Lance Berkman, 22 homeruns in 2008 (3-1 Odds)
PROS: Berkman can really hit the crap out of the ball and is probably the best overall hitter in this year’s Homerun Derby, raking .347 / .443 / .653 numbers entering the break.
CONS: No way to say this nicely, but Berkman is fat. I mean he looks totally out of shape. He’s a good bet to make the finals, but I don’t think he can last as long as the others.
THE NATURAL & MY FAVORITE
Josh Hamilton, 21 homeruns in 2008 (7-2 Odds)
PROS: Hamilton is truly “The Natural.” After overcoming 3 ½ years of baseball exile because of an extensive cocaine/heroin/alcohol/stripper/speed/ecstasy addiction, Hamilton is wowing scouts and fans alike with his remarkable display of speed, power and athleticism. Hamilton is the most-likely candidate to hit a ball 550 feet and he enters the All-Star break hitting at a .310 / .367 / .552 clip.
CONS: Hamilton is having a 71-year old former baseball coach from his hometown pitch to him in the derby. I’m sure they have chemistry, but would you trust a 71-year old dude to withstand the pressure of throwing on the mound in a sold out Yankee Stadium? Me neither.
THE UNDERDOG
Justin Morneau, 14 homeruns in 2008 (9-2 Odds)
PROS: With a compact power stroke reminiscent of Mark McGwire, Morneau can hit the ball a country mile. Plus, he’s a legitimately great HITTER, posting .323 / .391 / .512 numbers at the break. If he gets in a groove, watch out, he could win the damn thing.
CONS: Morneau is Canadian and his head might flap off at a moments notice (/South Park reference).
THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP
Chase Utley, 25 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)
PROS: Utley has a compact stroke with few hitches that could lead to a ton of homeruns if he gets on a roll. Before Ryan Howard decided to hit like Ryan Howard, Utley was MLB’s homerun leader.
CONS: Chase is really more of a line drive hitter that hits for power because his hands are ridiculously fast and he can turn on any pitch. The Homerun Derby might be a little out of his element.
THE ATHLETE
Grady Sizemore, 23 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)
PROS: The AL homerun leader, Sizemore is a phenomenal talent, patrolling centerfield for the Tribe like a wide receiver and hitting .273 / .374 / .539 from the leadoff spot. A former Washington University football recruit, I wouldn’t put any athletic accomplishment out of Grady’s reach.
CONS: Sizemore could hit 15 homeruns in a round or he could pull a Mike Piazza and post a goose egg. Consistency isn’t his forte and that doesn’t bode well in the Homerun Derby.
THE MUSCLE
Dan Uggla, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)
PROS: Uggla swings with every fiber in his muscular-body. I mean he goes all-out on every cut, in every game. His swing is tailor-made for batting practice.
CONS: If Uggla swings that hard in a real game, what will his swing look like in the Derby? Will he be out of control? Will he burst out in an uncontrollable Roid Rage (it’s so obvious)? Only time will tell.
THE SWING
Ryan Braun, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)
PROS: Milwakee’s finest has a huge uppercut swing that is perfect for the Derby if he can get in a groove. Braun has serious power and will hit some bombs at this event. He’s a legit threat to take home the trophy.
CONS: Braun has a long swing and if his timing is off, he will lay an egg in this competition. Plus he’s from Milwakee and everyone in Milwakee can go fuck themselves.
THE ROOKIE
Evan Longoria, 16 homeruns in 2008 (9-1 Odds)
PROS: Longoria is the sure-fire AL Rookie of the Year, and the best young third baseman in the game. He has a pure power stroke and is a selective hitter, which will help him in the Derby.
CONS: Lack of experience. I just don’t think Longoria stands a chance in this field.
THE VEGAS FAVORITE
Lance Berkman, 22 homeruns in 2008 (3-1 Odds)
PROS: Berkman can really hit the crap out of the ball and is probably the best overall hitter in this year’s Homerun Derby, raking .347 / .443 / .653 numbers entering the break.
CONS: No way to say this nicely, but Berkman is fat. I mean he looks totally out of shape. He’s a good bet to make the finals, but I don’t think he can last as long as the others.
THE NATURAL & MY FAVORITE
Josh Hamilton, 21 homeruns in 2008 (7-2 Odds)
PROS: Hamilton is truly “The Natural.” After overcoming 3 ½ years of baseball exile because of an extensive cocaine/heroin/alcohol/stripper/speed/ecstasy addiction, Hamilton is wowing scouts and fans alike with his remarkable display of speed, power and athleticism. Hamilton is the most-likely candidate to hit a ball 550 feet and he enters the All-Star break hitting at a .310 / .367 / .552 clip.
CONS: Hamilton is having a 71-year old former baseball coach from his hometown pitch to him in the derby. I’m sure they have chemistry, but would you trust a 71-year old dude to withstand the pressure of throwing on the mound in a sold out Yankee Stadium? Me neither.
THE UNDERDOG
Justin Morneau, 14 homeruns in 2008 (9-2 Odds)
PROS: With a compact power stroke reminiscent of Mark McGwire, Morneau can hit the ball a country mile. Plus, he’s a legitimately great HITTER, posting .323 / .391 / .512 numbers at the break. If he gets in a groove, watch out, he could win the damn thing.
CONS: Morneau is Canadian and his head might flap off at a moments notice (/South Park reference).
THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP
Chase Utley, 25 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)
PROS: Utley has a compact stroke with few hitches that could lead to a ton of homeruns if he gets on a roll. Before Ryan Howard decided to hit like Ryan Howard, Utley was MLB’s homerun leader.
CONS: Chase is really more of a line drive hitter that hits for power because his hands are ridiculously fast and he can turn on any pitch. The Homerun Derby might be a little out of his element.
THE ATHLETE
Grady Sizemore, 23 homeruns in 2008 (5-1 Odds)
PROS: The AL homerun leader, Sizemore is a phenomenal talent, patrolling centerfield for the Tribe like a wide receiver and hitting .273 / .374 / .539 from the leadoff spot. A former Washington University football recruit, I wouldn’t put any athletic accomplishment out of Grady’s reach.
CONS: Sizemore could hit 15 homeruns in a round or he could pull a Mike Piazza and post a goose egg. Consistency isn’t his forte and that doesn’t bode well in the Homerun Derby.
THE MUSCLE
Dan Uggla, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)
PROS: Uggla swings with every fiber in his muscular-body. I mean he goes all-out on every cut, in every game. His swing is tailor-made for batting practice.
CONS: If Uggla swings that hard in a real game, what will his swing look like in the Derby? Will he be out of control? Will he burst out in an uncontrollable Roid Rage (it’s so obvious)? Only time will tell.
THE SWING
Ryan Braun, 23 homeruns in 2008 (13-2 Odds)
PROS: Milwakee’s finest has a huge uppercut swing that is perfect for the Derby if he can get in a groove. Braun has serious power and will hit some bombs at this event. He’s a legit threat to take home the trophy.
CONS: Braun has a long swing and if his timing is off, he will lay an egg in this competition. Plus he’s from Milwakee and everyone in Milwakee can go fuck themselves.
THE ROOKIE
Evan Longoria, 16 homeruns in 2008 (9-1 Odds)
PROS: Longoria is the sure-fire AL Rookie of the Year, and the best young third baseman in the game. He has a pure power stroke and is a selective hitter, which will help him in the Derby.
CONS: Lack of experience. I just don’t think Longoria stands a chance in this field.
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