Yours truly spent the Thanksgiving Weekend in Allentown, PA, home of the annual Green Acres Turkey Bowl. Every year, my friends and family participate in two 7-on-7 full-contact football games, despite the fact that we keep getting older and more out of shape. Here is the story following this year's much-anticipated games:
Bent over and sucking wind after suffering a humiliating 7-2 loss in the first game of the annual Turkey Bowl Football Classic at Green Acres Park, David, the game’s premier quarterback and leader of his “Acres Flying Aces” squad, pondered his options as he possessed the first-overall pick in the re-draft prior to playing the Turkey Bowl’s second game.
The Flying Aces’ key bugaboo in Game One’s stunning loss to a vastly inferior “Green Machine” team led by Adrian and his merry band of crybabies, was their receivers inability to get open. Speed kills, and despite having a superior offensive line manned by Evan (an undersized but athletic high school center), Chuck (a 250-pound force at tackle) and Jon (a college fullback who is “listed” at 225), David had no one who could burst through coverage and get open.
At flanker, Jamie has the speed to excel, but his hands are truly awful and he is best utilized as a tenacious defender at corner or safety. David’s short-yardage receiver was Saleem, but he forgot his contacts for the second consecutive year and was a non-factor in Game One. All of this led a crucial draft selection that would determine whether David and his Flying Aces squad would suffer 12 months worth of ridicule.
David’s best option was Brandon, a gifted receiver with speed and strength who scored four touchdowns (three receiving) in Game One’s win for the Green Machine. But one look at Brandon leisurely lying down on the ground with his girlfriend after the first game and it was easy to question if he had the heart to give it his all in Game Two.
Quizzically staring at the two love birds, David muttered “Hey, should I take you with the first pick?”
“If you want to win you will,” Brandon replied.
That settled it, Brandon was Game Two’s first overall pick and the most explosive scoring duo in Acres Football history would once again wreak havoc. Brandon was un-coverable and David’s bazooka arm could now truly be put on display.
On the first drive, David drilled a 10-yard pass that perfectly led Brandon on a slant pattern and he easily outran the defense for a quick score. After a touchdown run by Adrian tied the game at 1-1, the Flying Aces’ scoring duo struck again. On a deep post pattern off the left hash marks, David launched a perfect spiral over the head of Paul who was defending the play and into Brandon’s outstretched hands for a touchdown.
“All day baby, all day!” Brandon screamed as the receiver met his quarterback halfway to deliver a well-earned chest bump.
A sturdy defensive line manned by Chuck, Jeff and David led to a turnover on downs for the Green Machine and Brandon would continue his offensive onslaught. After two first down throws to Saleem, who played inspired defense in Game Two, David hooked up with Brandon on an out pattern. Paul proceeded to strip the ball from Brandon, but Mike was “Johnny on the spot,” picking up the loose ball and running untouched for a score that stretched the Acres Flying Aces lead to 3-1.
On the ensuing drive, Adrian faced a fourth-and-goal situation from the five yard line. As David’s rush flushed him from the pocket, Adrian took off and ran to his left for a controversial touchdown.
“No way you scored Agey!” David exclaimed. “Your feet were out of bounds and the ball did not cross the goal line.”
“Look, I don’t argue calls, but I’m passionate about this one,” Adrian replied in his defense. “The ball crossed the goal line.”
“Passionate” Adrian prevailed and the score narrowed the Flying Aces lead to 3-2.
It was on the ensuing kickoff that shit (FINALLY!!!) hit the fan. Paul apparently pushed Saleem to the ground and Saleem proceeded to grab his throat. Next thing you know, Paul is wildly throwing (and missing) punches and kicks before teammates on both sides separate them. The two are frothing at the mouth and screaming various obscenities and insults that only friends would know and say to each other (summary of what was said – Paul: “you’re not getting laid,” Saleem: “I make more money than you do”).
A touchdown throw from David to Brandon on a slant pattern ended the game at 4-2, but Paul’s “little brother” syndrome refused to let him end the bickering with Saleem. After more verbal assaults and some pushing and shoving, Paul’s older brother David put him in a headlock (reminiscent of yesteryear) and pinned him to the ground. Various players pulled Cain and Abel apart, but the trash talk would not end with Paul exclaiming to David that he would “Put him in a hospital.”
After the dust settled, Chuck shook his head, looked at David and said, “God, I wish I was in your family.”
Brandon was named the 2008 Turkey Bowl MVP, as he was the key difference maker in both team’s victories. He totaled seven touchdowns on the day, including six receiving. Other notes from the game include:
• Steve brought a keg to the game which was thoroughly enjoyed prior to each contest. A fucking keg. To a public park. God bless you Steve.
• Both Adrian and David did not throw an interception in either game, a first in Acres history.
• Adrian’s marathon running has been paying off. He ran and threw for four touchdowns on the day and would have been named this year’s MVP if not for Brandon’s remarkable play.
• Following David’s long touchdown run in Game One when he broke three tackles en route to the score, he screamed “I’ve been doing this since 1993 motherfuckers!”
• Jeff, Game One’s first-overall draft pick, was a tackling machine until he pulled his 38-year old left hamstring mid-way into the first contest. He played sparingly for the rest of the afternoon.
• David and Paul’s 15-year old brother Andrew made his girlfriend show up to the game with pom poms. So very many things are wrong about that.
Game 1 Scoring Summary: Green Machine 7, Acres Flying Aces 2
1-0 Green Machine score on a pass from Adrian to Brandon
2-0 Green Machine score on a run by Adrian following a pitch from Brandon
2-1 Acres Flying Aces score on a long quarterback scramble off right tackle by David
3-1 Green Machine score on a pass from Adrian to Brandon
4-1 Green Machine score on a long quarterback scramble by Adrian
4-2 Acres Flying Aces score on a pass from David to Jon in the left corner of the end zone
5-2 Green Machine score on a run by Brandon off right tackle
6-2 Green Machine score on a pass from Adrian to Brandon
7-2 Green Machine score on a pass from Adrian to Paul
Game 2 Scoring Summary: Acres Flying Aces 4, Green Machine 2
1-0 Acres Flying Aces score on a slant pattern pass from David to Brandon
1-1 Green Machine score on a quarterback scramble by Adrian
2-1 Acres Flying Aces score on a deep post pattern pass from David to Brandon
3-1 Acres Flying Aces score on a fumble recovery return by Mike
3-2 Green Machine score on a quarterback scramble by Adrian off left tackle
4-2 Acres Flying Aces score on a slant pattern pass from David to Brandon
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